Telepathic Judas ~ Mishka

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My cat has been scratching at her face. It isn't anything too serious but I've been keeping an eye on it. She has a big red mark of her face but her main issue at the moment is that she scratches her face and prevents it from healing. She'll be okay in a few days. I used to do the same thing with my face. I know when it comes to people ripping out there on hair it's considered a self soothing behavior methinks and it stems from something related to cavemen brushing their hair. I'm unsure of the direct history of dermatillomania, but I know I've had it. I had really bad, especially when I was really underweight. Now I'm 200 pounds, which if we're being honest means I'm a little overweight, especially because a majority of that weight is fat and not muscle, which it probably should be.
Anyway, today has been not fun and I am in all sense of the word, pissed off. I'm just all encompassed in mildly irriatted, I'm aware I spelt that wrong which also pisses me off. I saw my cat's scratched up face and I gave her lots of love and kisses because the only thing to do really is wait for the scab to heal. It's a big red mark, but it will heal but between that and some other stressors, I am stressed out, which means at some point that stress or cortisol will turn to some form of sadness. I believe, and this is completely rambling for a 22 year old, but that when I am stressed out by something that is out of my control, my brain decides that sadness is a more tangible, digestible, and easier emotion to process. I think that's why I've been feeling some longing for past love, I don't think I actually miss those past loves, my body has made the decision for me that that yearning is a more accessible and digestible emotion than some abstract stress. My body is lying to me, and I just need to remember that. When I was underweight and my face was scratched up, I remember one of these past loves told me to stop picking at my face. I'm aware it was gross, but I couldn't help it, it was a nervous and compulsive habit brought on by heretidacal anxiety that was in turn brought on by generational trauma I had no control over. I was aware of this fact even then, and that I just had to try to stop picking my face little by little. I was trying. I remember this past love complaining that I looked like a crackhead, I was aware of this too, but for it to be highlighted by someone you love like that was disheartening. I followed it up with "I don't care what people think about what I look like," which they followed up with "I do," meaning they didn't want to be seen with my f*cked up face. This is when I started to tear up, in which my partner said, "You look ugly." I think she apologized, but I can't remember. That's definitely the worse thing I've heard from someone about me. While that sort of thing pisses me off when I think about it, it's important for me to reason those things when I miss that partner. It's easy to hold the past in some bizarre, optimsitic uptoia, but this will kill you. You also have to forgive people, but if you forgive someone too much, you'll rewrite history which will also kill you. I'm no longer underweight, and I've honestly become selfconscious about my appearance since I started writing this post. My skin is cleared up and I'm working on not ripping off my fingertips.
I love my cat very much, I am going to pet her now because she is a sweetheart.

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