Telepathic Judas ~ the f word

Don't Smoke

It has been 3 months since I have inhaled nicotine. I vaped and occasionally smoked since I was about 18 but I actually started when I was 16. I started vaping because it was something to do - I told myself I was in a “toxic awful relationship” but realistically I was 16 and overthinking and it was a big thing and waste of everyone’s time but none the less I started inhaling nicotine because it was fun and felt good until I overdid. I continued to inhale nicotine periodically, which has its own great classic stories (e.g. when me and my buddy went 50/50 on a juul and he brought a bag of 13 dollars in coins so I just gave the girl the whole 50 dollars, which is too much for a juul and she just stole my money or when I told a girl in confidence that I had a nicotine buzz and had to get my YMCA photo taken to impress her because I was under the impression that nicotine was on the same level as being high or drunk.) Other than that I smoked parliament and Newports when I could. I started vaping regularly around 18, it was my ex partner’s idea. That’s when I was extremely skinny and worked as a plumbing assistant and only made 10 dollars an hour. Finding someone to buy from was not fun, one time me and my ex met up with a guy and he drove me to this store and I stayed in the car and he told me to “watch his gun,” which I did. He was very nice. This same guy who was actually younger than me eventually showed us a place that didn’t ID, and I proceeded to go there until I turned 21 in 2023. I vaped Hyde bars and eventually turned to elfbars at some point when I moved back in with my mom. My ex always wanted to try different flavors which was lame and cost a lot of money. Vaping in general costs a lot of money. At some point I got fat, I think I went from 110 to 160 in a very short span of time, that was approximately from November 7th to around April when I had a little spiral. From April 2024 till about May 2025 I stayed around 180. On May 11th, 2025 at 10:15 AM, I took my last hit of nicotine. It was a Sunday and I was on the way to church. I had been planning to cut myself off from nicotine since that semester started, but knew it would be too stressful to quit during the actual semester so I planned to quit the week after the semester ended. I cut myself off on Sunday when I intended to quit on that Monday. I did the church service and then I went home and napped. When I woke up I felt like shit, and I went to my grandmas house and just laid on her house in a comatose state. I felt better then next day all the cravings persisted, and thus the whole week. I recorded the scratch tracks on that Saturday for Telepathic Judas, I wanted to hit Seth’s vuse but I didn’t, that choice was probably for the best. I have not inhaled any nicotine since May 11th, 2025 at 10:15 AM. I have gained a significant amount of weight, which I think I was already doing prior to quitting. I’m glad to be able to breathe but I do miss vaping. I’ve got fat which is depressing and I have high blood pressure now but oh well. I had my left nostril cauterized with Silver Nitrate on Monday, they took my blood pressure which was 144/97 on my right arm and 165/98 on my left arm. I was also stressed from work and I miss my friends. I am a little bit sad rn, but I am currently on hold with BCBS to check a CPT code, realistically I already know this CPT code doesn’t require an authorization, so I just need a reference number. I have memorized too many NPI’s, CPT & ICD Codes and descriptions, as well as phone and fax numbers. A pretty nurse matched with me on Facebook dating and then unmatched me within 3 messages, how rude. I had a dream about vaping or smoking yesterday, which is the worst part of quitting nicotine. These dreams make it feel like you have caved or failed when you really haven’t. I need to remember the reasons that I quit. The first reason that quit vaping is because I realized it was an oral fixation, which is some lame Freudian thing relating to me sucking on a bottle for a little too long so I wanted to cut that out. The other reason was out of spite for a lady who wasted 6 months of my life who is now a smoking fetishist on Reddit. I do not want to spend time talking too much about this person because they have already wasted too much of everyone’s time and continue to pedal for spare change. There’s no excuse to start smoking. Where is the rebellion in acting like a fuck up. Amen.

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